Man. Coming up with a title for this blog post has been absolute torture. In all fairness to myself so has the last twelve months or so. As my moods have swung between every emotion you could possibly think of, and some I didn’t even know existed, titles in the works have included: The Lost Months, Ennui, Stoicism, Loss, I’m Fine Now, I’m Not Fine Now, Moving On, Can’t Let Go, Wonderful Life or the extremely catchy and memorable; ‘I can’t take much more of this shit’. Hang on, this a photography blog right? Incidentally Louis isn’t standing in a mountain road called; ‘The all things must Pass’.
Yes it is a photography blog, but also a personal one and through this whole process my photography has suffered and it shouldn’t have. Want to hear why? What do you mean ‘no thanks it’ll be boring and depressing John’? To quote one of my heroes TV’s Dr Frasier Crane in that crushingly sarcastic voice of his; “Well, well, well, the puppet thinks he’s a real boy”! Look, I’m going to anyway, it’ll be brief and without too much detail. It’ll be over before you know it, just like Christmas or a night of passion with yours truly. One paragraph within which I’ll explain why it’s been five months since I’ve written anything in this blog.
In August last year my mother passed away. In March this year my wife, Sam, and I separated by mutual agreement. In August this year my father died 12 months almost to the day after my mother. During the same month my wife almost lost her life too. From absolutely nowhere she developed some kind of internal bleeding, lost five units of blood and had an emergency operation. One in which she was told she might not make it. Until August I was in total denial, then everything hit me like an oncoming express train. You can only bury emotions for so long. Imagine for a moment the conversations I’ve had with the children. “I’m sorry, grandma has died”. “It’s okay, mummy and daddy really do love each other, but we’re going to be living in different houses, it’ll be an adventure”. “I’m sorry, grandad has died”. “Mummy is just having some tests in hospital”. That last one was the only lie, I was actually pacing the garden for hours wondering how I would tell them that their mother had passed away and how I’d possibly deal with her death myself. I’m delighted to report that Sam is absolutely fine, fully recovered. So now you know the conversations I had with the children I expect you can guess the ones I’ve had with myself. I’ve been to some very dark places, thankfully as all photographers know you can’t have shadow without light.
As much as you try to seek out distractions, in whatever form they might take, they never succeed in distracting you whatsoever. Believe me I’ve tried. In the end you have to face it all and process everything if you’re to heal properly. You’re going to cry, your heart will ache and undoubtedly it’ll shatter into a million pieces again just when you think it’s beginning to repair. I’ve learned many things about myself, chiefly that it’s not weak nor is it just feeling sorry for yourself. There is nothing you can do, nor a single thing that anyone can say to prevent the pain. You’re essentially in mourning for all sorts of reasons and I always thought that I wasn’t a “mourning” person. Boom, boom, get it? Anyway, you have to go through it to emerge the other side and make a joke about it at your own expense. The only comfort for me was that I knew from experience that all things must pass. If you’re reading this and having a crisis of your own, we all have them, then that’s the major piece of advice I could give. Apart from always wear sunscreen, click on that link if you don’t know this great track. It’s full of the best possible advice on life. If by chance you’re going through loss or a breakup (they’re practically the same thing) I can sincerely promise and assure you that it will pass, you should also know that whatever age you might be then far better things are yet to come. Those things could take on many disguises, they’ll be unexpected and no doubt be utterly surprising. My very good friend has listened to me, offered rational and sound advice. He hasn’t put an arm around me physically, but metaphorically I’ve had a hug. The best advice he gave was in Vegas when he repeatedly asked if I was taking my camera as I went for my morning walk each day. Arguably having looked at the results you might have said “Leave the camera John, seriously, I wouldn’t bother if I was you”. It helped hugely even so, he was right. It focused me each morning. Okay. Let’s talk about some happier stuff, before I offer some more advice and thanks to some important people at the end…
The photos of Louis, my beautiful little boy, are taken in the Scottish Highlands. That one above is on top of Glencoe Mountain. From memory it was a couple of days after my fathers death. Louis and I had planned a road trip to Scotland for the summer and although it was always going ahead I worried that I’d not be in a good place, therefore not make it about him. With hindsight I realise that it was the best thing we could have possibly done. We bonded further, and despite my genuine worries, on the way home Louis announced that “It was the best time of my life”. I didn’t cry, which was unusual because around that time I often would at the drop of a hat. Instead it made me feel extremely happy and content. He didn’t like the ski lift though that took us near to the summit (we walked the rest of the way) and honestly neither did I very much, especially coming back down. Louis doesn’t like heights. Here’s some shots from that trip in which I can hardly remember lifting the camera to my eye…
It’s strange because I thought that over those “missing’ months I hadn’t released the shutter more that a few dozen times. It was a lot more. Of course you have to gather the energy to take a look at the SD card. I went to Vegas a month ago and have only just finished looking through the images. Essentially in this blog we have photos from all over the place, some I’d forgotten I took. Old habits die hard and of course there’s always been a therapeutic effect in the process of taking photographs that on a subconscious level must have resonated. Here’s some from Lacock Abbey:
There’s some Street Photography to come by the way, we’ve had a couple of shots already. This post is a bit Louis centric and I can tell you that Amélie was with us apart from the Scotland trip. She, like me, spends a huge amount of time reading. She’s generally on the fringes with her nose in a book, leant against a tree. She has quite an eclectic interest and recently gave me a book declaring that it’s about you daddy. Want to know which book? “Notes from the Underground” by Fyodor Dostoyevsky! She knows me better than I thought. In recent months I’ve read a couple of tomes on Stoicism, currently Amélie’s Dostoyevsky suggestion and before that a book titled “How To Read People Like A book”. Reading that book I learnt more about myself than other people if I’m being totally honest. Back to Amélie. She’s growing up so quickly as you’ll see, becoming a young woman. One that you can have an intelligent conversation with, possesses a wonderful sense of humour, is of course stunningly beautiful like her mother and not only that she also happens to be an accomplished author. I know? Amélie has been published twice already, her work is actually in the British Library. I’m unbelievably proud of her. Oh yes, she likes coffee nowadays!
I’ve had one trip into Bath with the camera in five months. That’s ridiculous. It’s my passion and I seemed to have forgotten it. I will make amends in the New Year. In any case it’s too cold, the other morning driving the children to school it was -9C. That’s no weather for standing around taking photos of strangers nor riding motorcycles, I highly doubt it will even start it’s been so long since I rode that bike. Here’s the results of that trip, sometime in the summer:
Same old, I know. There’s going to be a lot more photography in 2023. Firstly because I love it, secondly mindfulness is so good for you and photography has that in spades. Hey, there was some advice again. Living in the moment, enjoying every second. Don’t confuse that with Living for the moment which is where people make rash and foolish choices, it’s not the same. Want some advice from the Stoic philosophers while we’re at it? No? Let’s not start that again, you know it’s coming anyway:
“Don’t try to change things that you can’t control”. We can only control our own thoughts and actions.
“If you’re pained by external things it is not they that disturb you, but your judgement of them. It’s in your power to wipe out that judgement now”. Essentially how we interpret or respond to events makes a huge difference to our wellbeing.
As mentioned earlier I went to Vegas last month. I was already there in the Spring, but needed to get away. To be honest just before I flew out certain events I did allow to effect me for the first couple of days, I wasn’t a happy camper. However as my good friend promised the trip did me the world of good. You need to get out from your bubble to see things more clearly. He’s a lot wiser than I thought! There’s nowhere or anything that concentrates the mind like Vegas particularly as you watch your hard earned money drain away. A few more shots from that week:
In the end all things must pass and I’m happy to leave 2022 behind me. I expect everyone else is too. The word of this year is “Permacrisis”. Which neatly describes how we’ve been lurching from one crisis to another during the last few years. Covid, Ukraine, Fuel Costs, Inflation and Interest Rate Rises to name a few. But if you stop and think about it, whatever happened to Covid, a distant memory almost forgotten that loomed large over all our lives as recently as twelve months ago. All things must pass. I spoke with Sam about the word ’permacrisis’ before her recent BBC Radio interviews. She managed to drop it into a couple of those interviews as a way of saying hello to me. I’m very proud of Sam, she’s achieved a huge amount in her career.
So this is Christmas (someone should write a song) and we have a huge amount arranged as a family. We recently watched Beauty & The Beast, a fantastic Disney theatre production. What a great night that was. Yes, I’m the beast, okay I get it. We’ve been ice skating, next up is a walk around Westonbirt Arboretum this evening, tomorrow we’re off to the cinema to watch one of my all time favourite films ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’. We’re playing ‘Glow Golf’ on Thursday and then we have the days of Christmas. My final advice to anyone who’s managed to get to the end of this post is to enjoy every second. Appreciate what you have, hold on to it like there’s no tomorrow, do not let go, enjoy every second of whatever you’re planning this Christmas and after. As the New Year approaches we’re all driving up to Norfolk to stay in a windmill for a few nights that was once owned by James Bond star Roger Moore. While we’re there Louis will be a Bond Villain, let’s be honest, it’s a role he was born to play, Amélie will be M, I’ll put her in charge. Obviously I’ll be Bond and Sam, well, she’s going to be a Bond Girl, though actually she loves gadgets so maybe she can be Q as well or M. They can be whoever they like, I’m definitely Bond though and that’s final! It’ll be great fun, I know that much for certain.
Here’s a couple of older photos of the children and Sam I couldn’t resist to add before I sign off. When I’m looking at images for a blog through what I laughingly call a ‘system’ it’s fascinating what comes up and a timely reminder for me that I must never stop taking photographs. Naturally I’ve added a very old photo of my wonderful dad at the circus taken by a photojournalist at the time. Bang in the centre of the frame, my sister sat next to him, he’s the only one looking down the lens, of course he is. I think it sums him up perfectly…
And that’s it. Leaves me to wish you a Merry Christmas, a healthy, Happy New Year and to thank you for taking the time to read this blog. My special thanks to those who have supported me this year: Of course, Sam, Amélie and Louis. Kev who at some point I’m sure will be canonised. My friends…Jeff Chane-Mouye for his very welcome emails, Tim Huynh for making me laugh and Dr. Jacek Szkuldlarek for his excellent advice and humour. Finally my eldest daughter Alex who has been absolutely wonderful in every way.
All images can be opened by clicking on the thumbnails and are made using a Leica M with Summicron 28mm Lens fitted. Except for the last ones. The children Leica with a 35mm and Sam was a Canon 5DII with 85mm.
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